“I’m cool, but I’m not catcalling-from-a-scooter cool.” That was Husband’s response to a recent experience of mine.
While walking back from Publix, I crossed through an intersection. A man on a moped scooter honked his tiny horn and yelled, “Don’t work it all off.” He rode past me, turned to wave, ensured I knew who the odd comment came from, and then bobbled as he lost his balance for a second. Luckily, he recovered and rode away.
Did Mr. Moped really think that catcalling from a scooter was the best way to gain my affection? Did he think I would even care that some random man on a scooter (I cannot stress the scooter element enough) expressed his what? Appreciation? Concern? Awareness that I was there, and he was there?
So, as a service to the single (Lord, I hope that man is single) men of the world, here are a few words of advice when trying to attract the attention of a woman.
- Timing is everything. There is a good time to approach a woman. That time would not be when she is pushing her child in a stroller up a steep hill. I had other things on my mind, namely the safety of Baby Boy sleeping in his stroller, the pain radiating in my thighs, and the sweat/moisturizer/sunscreen combo running into my eyes. Sexy.
- Consider your approach. Ask yourself, “Could my yelling at this woman I do not know illicit a ‘stranger danger’ reaction?” If the answer is yes, and trust me it was, then do not use said approach. Resist the urge to honk and yell at female pedestrians for your own safety. Mace hurts. Pepper spray burns. Wasp spray kills.
- Know your audience. At the time of the incident, I was listening to “One” from A Chorus Line. Mr. Moped could probably hear the song, as it was being projected through the speakers on my stroller. My love of show tunes should have signaled to this man that I love art and romance. Shouting a lewd comment at a woman at an intersection is not artistic or romantic. I was forced to put my fight-face on and consider which items in my grocery bag could be used as a weapon. I certainly did not think, “At last, my prince has come. Time to leave the Husband!”
- Put your best self forward. I hope your best self is never a full-grown man on a moped scooter, puttering to make it up a hill. The circus bear on the tricycle never gets the girl, just clowns. Was I supposed to yell back, “Yes, Mr. Moped! Yes! I want to see the world from your scooter. Let me wrap my arms around your waist as the tiny engine tries to pull both of us up this hill. Can we strap the stroller to the back like a little trailer for Baby Boy?”
- Don’t insult the object of your affection. “Don’t work it all off!” Do I have a lot to work off, Mr. Moped? Was this a comment on my need for a good workout routine? Or maybe you are a personal trainer and needed to comment on my intensity level? Thank you for concern, but I got this. I also own a full-length mirror. I know exactly how much I need to work off.
Please, Mr. Moped, I implore you. Choose a different tactic (and a different woman) next time. You may receive a better result. I will say this, however. Your scooter may be small, but it does not reflect your self-confidence level. As the Husband commented at the end of my story, “Man, the nuts on that guy!” So, Mr. Moped, don’t loose the confidence that led you to catcall from a scooter, just the ignorance to actually do so.