My rabbit is dead. How are you?

I almost rammed an old woman with my grocery cart yesterday. Instead, I told her, “Move before I puke!” I did not apologize for being rude. After all, I had said, “Excuse me,” twice, politely begging her and her gang of old biddies to clear my escape path around the seafood counter of my local Publix. I couldn’t hold my breath any longer and felt the gag welling up from my stomach. Old Mother Hubbard had to move her ass or suffer the consequences.

Yes, my rabbit is dead.  I am three months along.  And so far, pregnancy hasn’t been pretty.

And yes, the human being growing inside me is a blessing. The kind of blessing that arrives out of nowhere, knocks you on your ass, and changes your world before you even see his or her face.

That being said, I have a bone to pick, and I plan to pick it clean. For those of you who say that pregnancy is “the most beautiful time in a woman’s life” and “I felt great,” feel free to bite my expanding rear end.

So, because I really like making lists of all kinds and I’m too distracted by pregnancy brain to be truly creative, here is my list of why I want to hurt every woman who ever wished I would, like them, experience the miracle of gestation. (You claim to have forgotten the agony, but I know your game. You want other women to know your pain. Well played, vengeful woman, well played. You can now claim another victim.)

Number 1: Thickening  

Before I became pregnant, I was under the misconception that pregnancy came in the form of a baby bump. I was cool with that. In fact, I think a baby bump is adorable. Well, I am not one of those precious women: pregnant only in the form of a volleyball, then basketball, then beach ball-sized bump. I am the woman that the hateful nurse at my OB’s office described as “thickening.” Overnight I went from having a body I was generally pleased with to waking up as a full on Renaissance painting. Everything turned soft: ass, thighs, stomach, arms, everything! And I haven’t been able to button my jeans since week eight. Week eight!

Number 2: Hormones

No other force in my life has been able to bring me to my knees faster than pregnancy hormones. Crying fits to the point of hyperventilating has become my new normal. And there are no mood swings. There is only emotionally-hanging-on-by-a-thread-Jodie and bat-shit-crazy-Jodie. The term “mood swing” would indicate an upward motion that would match the downward turn. Brief periods of elation. Happiness so great, a dancing Snoopy would pale in comparison. Nope. Brief periods of, “Cool, right now I don’t feel like crap,” do exist but they are quickly followed by the words, “What the f#&@ was I thinking?” and a collapse onto my bed in a puddle of self-doubt and terror. And please do not try to predict or control the tsunami of hormones. Anything can set it into motion. Any damn thing in the world. I wonder if my husband misses the cool chick he used to be married to?

Number 3: Morning Sickness

What a load of crap! Constant, knee-buckling nausea is a more accurate description. Like the hormones, do not attempt to predict how severe my reaction will be to any trigger. Seafood counters, meat counters, sweat-soaked laundry, brushing my teeth, artificial flavors (I may never try bacon chocolate again), and strong colognes are sure to send me fleeing the scene, gagging my entire way to safety. Textures are unpredictable as well. Two bites of a burger or steak or scrambled eggs or even mashed potatoes can trigger my gag reflex. I have no idea how I have gained ten pounds in three months because I have not finished a meal since June.

Number 4: Breast Tenderness

Will someone chop off my boobs, please? Seriously, you can have them. But let me warn you, I think they are defective. Unless they are supposed to swell to the I-can-use-my-boobs-as-a-shelf level. And I don’t think boobs are supposed to hurt this bad. Bending over requires mental and emotional preparation. Gravity causes my gigantic orbs to shift forward when I bend at the waist resulting in a feeling as if they are going to rip from my body. My OB acts as if this level of pain is normal. I’m starting to hate my OB.

Number 5: Maternity Clothes

“Can I help you find something?” the sales assistant asked in the middle of my local maternity clothing store.

“No, I’m good,” I said and tried not to gag or cry or look her in the eye.

I glanced around the store at the tunics made of sandpaper and mom jeans with bright yellow stitching against midnight blue denim washes. The inflated price tags warned against the denim dye staining light colored fabrics. They should have warned of the downward spiral into low self-esteem and cave-dwelling desires that the clothes were sure to conjure up in the heart of any fashionista. So, I bolted out of the store and resigned myself to stretching a rubber band through the buttonhole of my favorite jeans. I just hope the wind doesn’t blow my billowy, un-tucked blouse above my head revealing a stretched rubber band and a triangle of granny panties peeking through the open zipper. That ain’t a pretty sight, folks.

Did I miss anything? What fabulous freak of nature should I be looking forward to in the upcoming months? Feel free to scare the crap out of me in the comment section below. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to lie down. Growing a human being is exhausting.

25 thoughts on “My rabbit is dead. How are you?

  1. Bwahahah.. I mean, congratulations friend 😉 umm, i loved being pregnant and hated it all at once. I had ever problem in your crazy painful three months plus some.. Heartburn, flu, morning sickness 24/7 (for the entire pregnancy with my second), an itchy rash that they, of course, couldn’t give me anything because I was “pregnant”.. Should I keep going? But the thing that you haven’t experienced yet.. The reason people want you to experience the amazingness of having a child, feeling him/her moving inside if you.. holding that beautiful baby in your arms and realizing you would do it all again for that one moment.. That brief second of experiencing a love for someone who not only loves you unconditionally.. But you love them back just as much if not more. It’s the only love that we can ever come close to experiencing Gods love for us and the pain he went through for us. In that moment.. I’d do it all over again!.. And feel free to text me every now and than as I need to be reminded of it occasionally.. as Rick and I guide them through their 11 and 9 year old lives. Love you girl, and we are so happy for you guys!

  2. Leaking…..from EVERYWHERE! Buy stock in panty liners. Pregnancy is not the most beautiful thing, but having a little weird you running around (and by weird, I mean, they do all the things you want to do or say but you don’t because of laws and societal norms) is pretty freaking cool. Let me know if you want to chat or cry, as I too was a “not me, not ever” before I got pregnant.

  3. Awww..Jodie…congrats!! Sorry you’re feeling like crap but it usually gets better after the 1st trimester. When are you due?

  4. Queen Jodie, I wonder how many people out there know the term “the rabbit is dead”? I feel for you. If you want a sidekick when shopping, I’ll help. I’ll hold your hair back as you puke. That’s what friends are for!

  5. Did they warn you of “slippery joints” that make you feel like you are getting up a section at a time? Or maybe that your feet may get bigger. Just know that 1st trimester “all day sickness” is easier than 3rd trimester sickness when you may or may not be able to see the bowl. But all in all 3 pregnancies and 4 kids later it is just a blip in the memory cells, half of which you will donate to your baby leaving you with “mommy brain”. Enjoy the memories you will use them on your future daughter/daughter in laws.

  6. Jodie, I would have to agree, I never expected you to use these words either! Congratulations, and I pray you feel better in a few weeks! Love ya

  7. Jodie, I am so happy for you! You’re story takes me back a few years. Just try to keep in mind the morning sickness usually leaves in about 4 months. I actually fainted in the grocery store … I didn’t know I was pregnant at the time. Fainted right there in front of the veg’s. That was with Jamie…so I really didn’t know. Enjoyed your sharing. Good luck and keep us up to date! Aunt Linda

  8. The Deepak Chopra pregnancy book helped me with all of that crap… It’s very shishi harmony peaceful crap, but he makes the point that pregnancies which start off rocky are more likely to be successful, and that made me happy.

    The whole thing is rough though, every month comes with a new challenge, and then when it’s all over you have to be a parent. How the hell to people do this twice?

    Random Facebook scrolling led me here. Your blog is wonderful Jodi, and congratulations!

  9. Hey sweet girl….You can do this!! All good tips and advice from previous comments. Look on the bright side, you have only six more months and then you get an awesome reward. Love your thoughts and the fact you have the nerve to give voice to the not so pretty! If ever I can help, call me. 🙂

  10. Felt horrible the entire time…. Flu times 20.
    I threw up while trying to buy baby clothes hangers in Kmart. I wasn’t going to it anywhere close to a PC place to vomit and the only thing I had was the Burger King cup I was holding. I’ll spare you the details….
    That baby graduated from McGill this past May, I was fortunate enough to endure the most awful 10 months of my life 2 more times. It’s a means to an end. no pain no gain? Isn’t that what they say….. 🙂

    • During the second month I performed in a production of Evil Dead the Musical. I was so excited. At 38, I was finally in a professional musical! And then I threw up in a garbage bag three times backstage. And once onstage in blackout. Pathetic.

  11. Do you remember what I looked like after having Lizzie? Shaking and nauseous from too much epidural? And that was after 9 months of throwing up everything. How we manage to gain so much weight when we throw up so much is beyond me. I still remember what everything feels like when it’s coming back up. Do not eat grits. Seriously.
    Maternity clothes are awful–find yourself a few basic black stretchy things and you will feel better. And look at Target–they have a decent collection. That’s where I finally found a combo cami-nursing bra-soft cotton thing that made those first weeks with Lizzie easier.
    They say that bad morning sickness is a sign of a good pregnancy–you need those hormones to keep the little peanut growing. Just beware–it could be worse! I lost bladder control and would pee on myself whenever I threw up, and then I would have broken capillaries all around my eyes from how violently I was heaving! Some days it looked like red freckles and some days like someone was beating me!
    And, for me, the worst part was losing my sense of personal space and privacy. Strangers will rub your belly, ask very personal questions, and give you all sorts of unsolicited advice. It’s like you can’t just be pregnant in private! Suddenly it’s everybody’s business!
    That, and nurses who ask stupid questions, like who’s the father of this child. Uh, duh, this guy holding my hand! And don’t try to explain that all three of your children have the same father and that you are actually married–they don’t have a form for that.
    And, Jodie, I never told you any of the truly scary parts–I was afraid to scare you off trying! One word–amniocentesis. Hopefully, you won’t ever have to know!
    My advice–read all the books and then put them in the freezer, make Jay put together all the baby equipment–revenge for morning sickness–and the epiderul is your friend!
    I know that of the three of us Cain girls, you are the one who will kick pregnancy’s ass and manage it with style and good hair. And you’ll give birth to the coolest kid ever.
    Love you!

    • Part of the reason I wasn’t racing to have kids is because I remember how difficult your delivery of Lizzie was! Terrifying! Thank you so much for all the awesome advice though. It really helps. The last paragraph made me cry. It’s not nice to be so wonderful to a pregnant woman! I am an emotional wreck!

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