The colder weather of January has meant one major change for me: I am spending more time on my couch in front of the T.V. With this change, I have adopted a couple of new truths. The first is that extra time spent lolling about on my sofa will in no way inhibit my ability to wear a swimsuit this summer without frightening small children on the beach. The second is that T.V. commercials are an accurate depiction of society filled with gems of wisdom that must be followed. So far, T.V. commercials have taught me that:
- Every single person in America, women and men, want to lose weight and will pay nearly any amount for that to happen, especially if the program or pill that promises the slender dream requires little or no effort from the Fatty McFatterson’s of the world. Apparently, if I want to look good in my swimsuit come this June, all I have to do is sign up for Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, or South Beach Diet. I could sprinkle Sensa on the chocolate covered pretzels in front of me. Or I could take Alli, SlimQuick, or Dexatrim. According to the T.V., what I don’t have to do is get off my couch, stop watching T.V., or stop eating the pretzels. Oh, and if I do miraculously lose the weight I need to lose, I must buy a string bikini, get a boob job, and pose for my “after” shot with my new boobs sticking up in the air and my hip cocked out to the side while sucking in my abdomen as tightly as I can.
- Christianity is the only faith that will help you find a soul mate. Don’t believe me? Please see christianmingle.com. Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, and all other non-Christian faiths are out of luck. Apparently, God doesn’t want to “find a match for you.”
- Every drug you could possibly take has with it a possible side effect of death. Looking for relief from your fibromyalgia, erectile dysfunction, asthma, high blood pressure, COPD, heart burn, acid reflux, restless leg syndrome, or mild to moderate depression? Lucky for you, the T.V. knows which pill you should take. You just better be willing to risk your life for it!
- Real men only eat greasy cheeseburgers. If you are a man and eat, very loudly might I add, anything other than greasy cheeseburgers while watching models eat greasy cheeseburgers then you are not a real man. Back away from the healthy entrée and smear some ketchup on your face! Now you look like a real man.
- Women are only concerned with things that belong in bathrooms. We as women need to “get real about what happens in the bathroom” and seriously consider what toilet paper we use, if a specific tampon brand will or will not help us win a marathon, what product will make little Timmy stop peeing on himself, and which cleaning product is best when little Timmy decides to pee on the walls. Men are not concerned with what happens in the bathroom. The men are still eating their cheeseburgers.
- Finally, the right cereal will change your life. According to the talking flat screen on my wall, the right cereal will give you a day’s worth of fiber, help you lose weight and maintain a healthy weight at the same time, lower your cholesterol, and provide you with all the energy you need to conquer the day. Wow! All that from one bowl of cereal? Amazing!
Perhaps both of my new truths are wrong. Is it possible T.V. commercials provide no wisdom or helpful guidance whatsoever? Should I turn off the T.V. and get off this couch before my butt grows 2 sizes? Maybe. But then again, maybe a commercial will tell me what to do.